What comes first the Chicken or the Egg?

So ladies and gentlemen, here we are at the 8 month mark. It is only another 33 days until my due date and to say that making it this far is a miracle would be putting it in minimal terms. Looking back on the last 8 months it is amazing everything that we, my family and I have had to go through. I still remember back in early stages of pregnancy the doctors were already to support me terminating this baby and me fighting and doing everything I could just to keep it. Now it seems that Baby Bear Neeson is amazingly healthy and doing very well. Me on the other had,well I am hitting my breaking point and now looking for some help.

Firstly I want to say that in no way am I ungrateful for this pregnancy or the ability to become pregnant. I would like to say that if you had to for even a week go through and feel everything that I have had to deal with, I am sure you would becoming to the same emotional, mental, and physical breaking point that I am hitting and it really would only take a week. Remember I have been doing this for 8 months.

I have a date in my head that I can hold out until before I really see myself having a total and complete breakdown and this date is not my due date.

From the very beginning I knew that I had to wait until at least December 1st because in my head that was a safe date. The baby would be developed far enough along that any major problems it could have developmentally or physically would be minimal, if there were any at all. For months and months I have done everything I can possibly do to put this baby first and make sure that he/she was ok. I even told the doctors that if it came down to it and the choice had to be made between saving the baby and saving me, save the baby first. God has a plan for this child and for me, whatever happens is suppose to happen.

Well now that we are nearing the end of this experience it seems as though the doctors are no longer willing to help me. It was only six months ago that they were willing to terminate the baby and now, the baby is healthy and I am asking for an early induction for my own health they have continually said no. So my question becomes this, what comes first the chicken or the egg?

Six months ago these same doctors were telling me that my health, the chicken, came first and we needed to do everything to make sure that I am ok. Now, even though the baby, the egg, is perfectly healthy and fully developed, my health is not what is important.

For almost three months now I have been experiencing heart problems, chest pain, shortness of breath, dizzy spells, fainting, blurred vision, extreme headaches and other problems all to hear the doctors say, "We don't know."

So back to my question, if the egg is fine, actually more than fine and the chicken is quickly deteriorating, and you can safely remove the egg from the chicken keeping both healthy, then why don't you? It almost feels like they are punishing me for wanting this baby, as if they are saying "You wanted this so you ride it out until you have to deliver. This is the bed you chose so lay in it."

So tell me...when does the chicken matter?

Matters of the Heart.

When bringing a new life into this world there are so many things that we try to prepare for. New furniture is bought, rooms decorated, clothes are washed and ready to be worn. My husband and I took prenatal classes, read books, and asked more questions then I ever thought were possible to ask. We did this all so that we felt prepared and ready to physically take care of our son and now this soon to be born miracle. But as I sit here thinking I can't help but wonder if I have emotionally prepared my life for this child.

So maybe it's time do my own heart check up.

To Kacie,

To say that what you did to me and said about me was hurtful, that would be an understatement. We had been friends, best friends for years and I had always been there for you to support you and defend you when others put you down. To hurt me the way that you did felt like taking a bullet and it came from out of no where. I have forgiven you and told you that and yet you still have made the decision to not continue our friendship. Although I do understand and even agree that maybe that is the best choice for us, I still have days where I miss talking to you.

To Rachel,

I look at you now and cannot believe how much you have changed for the better over the last few years. There are times when I look back that I never once thought I could or would feel a connection to you in any way and I have always felt as though that was my fault. I could have been more understanding, more committed, more of something but emotionally I was not mature enough to handle everything. I want you to know that I'm sorry, and yes I know I have said it before, I really do mean it and am so comforted knowing that you are in a much better place and are happy with your life. I am also so lucky to be a part of it.

To Sandy,

You and I have a relationship that is one of the closest I have ever had in my life. We connect to each other with out having to explain things or have the awkwardness of misunderstanding or miscommunication. Lately though I don't feel as close to you anymore, I feel as though I have been replaced by other things and other people in your life. Even though I try to stay in touch with you and invite you in to important moments in my life, I just don't feel that you want me or need me there as much as you use to. I hope you know that I love you and will always be there for you, but I miss playing an important role in your life.

To Gabrielle and Glen,

I'm really not sure where to begin. For years I have hoped, begged, cried and pleaded with you to be a part of my life, and continuously you have chosen not to. I will never understand why you have always put someone who is selfish and uses you, is a liar, a cheater and even a thief on such a high pedestal and yet some one who just wants to love you and wants you there, you toss them aside as if they don't matter. I will never understand why you chose not to see that person for who they really are, but I do understand that you have chosen not to see me. I have thought about giving you one last chance to prove that I matter to you, my family matters to you and my children matter to you, but honestly my heart can't take the inevitable disappointment I know you will bring. Therefore, I need you to know that in the future I have no expectations of you and I say this because you will never be able to live up to even the smallest hopes that I have for you and your roll in my life. I want you to also know that the choice you have made to not be there also means that my roll in your life has changed as well. I will no longer make the effort to keep you updated on my life, or drive out of my way to make sure you see my children. You have made it so heartbreakingly clear that you do not value or love them or me enough to make an effort so I feel no reason why I should have to make one either. I will happily surround my family with people who love them unconditionally and want to be there rather than are forced to be there out of guilt.

So you all know, the names have been changed for privacy reasons and yes all of these things either have been or will be said to these people in the near future.

For the longest time I thought that I was angry about some of these things but in actuality all I really needed to do was get my thoughts clear in my head and in my heart, enough so that I could let these things go. So as I prepare for today I encourage you to do your own heart check up and monitor what's really going on inside of you. I know that it is only fair that I be physically prepared as well as emotionally prepared for this baby, he/she deserves that.

What Dreams May Come...

Many women will tell you that when they are pregnant their body changes and they notice things on a level deeper than then ever have before. The smallest kick, or growth can feel completely different to an expecting mother. What you may not know is that while you are pregnant your dreams change and during this pregnancy I have had some of the most horrifying dreams I have ever had in my entire life.

Some people say that what you eat before you go to bed will alter the dreams that you have however, since all my nutrition is given through a tube in my arm I don't think that is a factor in my night time terrors. One thing I do think has helped bring certain things to life in my dreams is my wonderful husbands selection of horror and zombie movies. I think this is what my mind used as inspiration to draw my dreams from.

The first dream that I remember having I was in the basement of a school surrounded by lockers, classrooms and students. I remember an alarm going off almost like a warning siren and then people screaming and running to hide. Out of now where there are guns being shot, fires starting in the halls and I'm throwing a grenade blowing off some guys leg. I would go into further detail but I think you will get the idea if I just say there was blood and guts everywhere, and I was the one killing these people off. Oh and in case you were wondering, no one I knew was in the dream so I didn't kill off friends or certain family members.

Another dream I remember is one where I was actually a zombie living in this huge mansion with a bunch of other zombies. We were running around trying to save this person from becoming a brain eating evil zombie...don't ask apparently I was a non brain eating zombie. Anyways we ending up failing and then were running or zombie walking I guess for our lives away from this other zombie. At the end of the dream we had to leave the mansion and move into another safe zombie district. Weird I know.

The dream I had last night was probably the most terrifying dream I have had in a long time, if not in my whole life. I was in this dark cold room with two other people. I had this gut wrenching feeling that this room was surrounded by evil and that I shouldn't be there. As I was sitting there the other girl that was in the room started becoming more and more angry stating all the reasons as to why she hated herself. As her anger grew and grew I watched as her body split into two. One side was the evil angry part that obviously had more control and the other was this weak pile on the floor. As I sat there the stronger part of this girl began to brutally beat and kill the other half of herself, and when I say brutally think of the worst horror movie scene you can think of and times that by ten.

After she had killed the other half of herself, I ran out of the building and into these two little girls who were no more than 8 or 9 years old. I told them to run as fast as they could away from the house and get help. We were running down the alley and I looked behind me to see the "Angry Girl"who had now turned into this dark flying witch type figure had grabbed one of the girls. I remember hearing the shrill blood curdling screams of now both girls being taken and flown off to be killed. I kept running and running until I found this security guard on a bicycle and asked him if he had a cell phone so I could call for help. The last thing I remember is looking up and seeing this witch flying back down right towards me.

It may not sound like much but it was one of those dreams that was so realistic that you didn't even realize that you were dreaming, it might as well have been real life.

I guess there is one more reason why I can't wait until this baby comes, so I can have some what normal dreams again otherwise I will call paramount and start writing their next hit horror films.

Excuse me?

As you can probably imagine after being in the hospital for most of my pregnancy and having the health issues that I have been having, the number of doctors and specialist that I have seen or have been watching over me continues to grow. I can't being to to say thank you for everything that these highly qualified people have done for me, this baby and our family. What I don't understand is the number of people who are not highly qualified nor have any idea of what my condition is or what I have been going through trying to give me advice.

Last night I was rushed into the Radiology department of the Rockyview Hospital for an emergency ultra sound of my picc line because I am having unexplained pain and shouldn't be. As I was waiting in the room for the ultra sound tech to return so he could do the exam my mind started to wander and worry about all the things that could possibly be wrong and what solutions and procedures I am have to entail in the near future.

So in walks the ultra sound tech and the first thing he snaps at me (yes snaps as if I had done something to frustrate him or I was some how wasting his time) is "Why are you here?" Think to myself that this is a stupid question with an obvious answer I said "For an ultra sound."

"Of what" He again snaps at me as though my answer of "an ultra sound" was not what he wanted to hear. Again I am thinking that if I was rushed in for an emergency ultra sound and they were waiting for me to get there, then obviously there was paper work sent ahead of time and everything should be stated on why I'm here and what I need done.

Now becoming frustrated myself I replied, "Of my right arm."

"Why?"

Seriously? Shouldn't you know all this information? I have never had to walk into a procedure and explain what I am there.

" Because I have a picc line in and I am experiencing pain."

"Why?"

Why am I experiencing pain? Do you not think that if I knew why I was experiencing pain in my arm I wouldn't be here for an ultra sound? Why are you even asking me these questions, you are not a doctor, you have no idea what I have been going through or what my treatment is and as far as I am concerned you don't need to know. All you have to do is the ultra sound.

"I don't know why I am having pain."
(This comment seemed to really push him over the edge and whatever calm he had was now gone.)

"No, why do you have the picc line in?"

Again information that you do not need to know nor should you even be asking me. Pretty sure that all my medical information is considered private and confidential.

" Because I can't eat or drink anything and this is my only form of getting nutrition."

"You're pregnant you should be eating."

EXCUSE ME? Are you really going to stand there and tell me what I should and should not be doing in my pregnancy? Who on earth do you think you are? If you know me you know that I can only stay calm for so long and once you push me over the edge it's not pretty. So here was my response...

" I don't think that's any of your business so why don't you just sit down turn on your machine and do your job."

I know that there are so many people that are worried about me, praying for me and willing to do whatever they can to make this experience better in some way shape or form. It's when people who have no idea what they are talking about or have any sort of comprehension of what I have gone through, think they have the answer to what is wrong or say stupid comments like "You're pregnant you should be eating." Stop for one second and think, if I could eat don't you think I would be doing that rather than have a picc line in?

I guess some people really should not be in the health care profession if they are not able to deal with people in a respectful and compassionate manner. Even after I snap at the tech he said not two words more to me for the full 40 min exam and didn't care that he was pressing so hard on my arm that I was crying. I felt like he was punishing me for standing up to him.

Unfortunately he is not the first bad health care tech that I have had to deal with but I sure hope that he is the last.

Six Month Check In

Well I have made it to the six month mark in this pregnancy and only have three months left. Although making just one more week is a huge accomplishment in this pregnancy, each day that God keeps this baby alive and me out of the hospital is a miracle.

Anyways six months deserves an update so here we go.

I have been at my parents place for two months now and my mom has been taking care of all my medical needs including flushing my picc line, preparing my tpn food bags and even changing my picc line dressing. Her and my father have been watching over Toryn and all his daily needs as well as getting me to doctors and ultra sound appointments.

My picc line is still doing fine which it better be because if this one fails I don't really have another option. After the last two picc lines failed the doctors informed me that I only have one vein that can be used and after three times the vein is no longer usable. That being said, we are doing everything we can to keep this line healthy.

At one point I had placenta previa but thankfully that has gone away. I no longer need to have a c-section unless something medically happens between now and the delivery. The doctors told me that they are trying to avoid a c-section at all costs because the recovery on my body is going to be very hard and if I have a c-section it will be even harder.

Baby Bear is doing amazingly well. He/she is growing and is exactly where they need to be at this point of the pregnancy. Right now the weight is about two pounds and is as long as an English cucumber. I have had nine ultra sounds so far in this pregnancy and will continue to have one every month until the baby is born just to make sure things are still going as planned.

That's all the good, here is the concerns.

My heart has been doing some strange things where it races uncontrollably for no reason and I get short of breath. The doctors are concerned so they want to hook me up to a heart monitor for a while to see if they can track it's rate and figure out what's going on. To give you an example of what I mean, I will be sleeping and do the smallest thing like roll over and my heart goes crazy and I am woken up gasping for breath.

I have developed this horrible cough and cold. On top of throwing up everyday I now have this barking chest cough that makes my chest feel like it's going to explode. My stomach hurts because of being sick and now hurts even more from coughing and I have a horrible headache. In fact, you know when you have the flu and your whole body just aches, that's what I feel like.

Dizzy spells are becoming more and more frequent. In the last five days I have been light headed or passed out four times. There is no explained reason as to why this is happening and it comes as randomly as it wants to. I know that I have normally low blood pressure and this could explain part of it but every time they check my blood pressure it comes up normal so who knows.

So there you go, I am still doing fine and for the moment still out of the hospital, we just don't know for how long. As I have told my family as long as this baby is healthy I will worry about my body after. Right now there just seems to be a few health concerns that need to be addressed in the near future.

The Baby Name Game

When you are expecting a baby there are many things that you need to prepare in advance before the exciting delivery date. You have to get the crib, some clothes, diapers, Tylenol for the many headaches you will have in the next few months, and you also have the long talks and discussions over what name you will give your soon to be bundle of joy.

When you and your spouse start talking about names you both agree that the name should be something that you both like and when you think of that name your heart is instantly warmed by the thought of your child. You would never pick a name that reminds you of someone that you have had a horrible experience with, or a person you wish you had never known or entered your life. The name you pick should be special to you and unique to your child. There is a reason we pick the names that we do.

For example the name that we picked for our son.

Toryn- This is an Irish name that we picked to represent my husbands strong and proud Irish heritage. This name also means chief which we hope that our son has the drive, leadership and strength that comes with being a chief.

James- This middle name was picked because James is the English version of Shamus my husbands name. It is also Shamus's fathers middle name.

Lee- This middle name was picked because it is my fathers middle name.

Neeson- We figured that our son should have the same last name as his parents.

There was so much thought and emotion put into picking our sons name and when anyone we know says or hears the name Toryn, they automatically think of our adorable little red haired boy. Of course my husband and I went through hundreds of names before we could settle on the perfect boy name but the fact is that we picked that name because it was special and meant something to us.

Right now we don't know if we are having a boy or a girl but again we have two names that are picked out which are perfect for whatever gender baby we are blessed with. However, at this moment we have been calling this child Baby Bear. It is a nick name that we have given this child in love and when ever anyone says or writes that name everyone thinks of my special child that God is watching over.

I can't wait to meet this baby as I have said before and when we give this child their name I know that it will be unique and given in love.

NG Tubes

After being at home for a month now it's hard to imagine all that I have gone through just to be six months pregnant.

NG Tubes

If you don't know what this is, it's a soft plastic tube that runs through your nose down the back of your throat and into your stomach. During my 10 week hospital stay I have had two of these inserted and removed. To insert the tube they place it on ice to make the plastic stiff then tell you to lean forward and proceed to guide the tube into your nose. The first time they did this, the nurse tried three times to get this tube in but kept hitting the back of my nose and were unable to guide down my throat. There was no freezing involved and the experience was painful to the point where I got a very bad nose bleed.

Since the nurse was unable to insert this tube they sent me down to radiology to have a doctor put it in. This time the doctor layed me on my side and sprayed a freezing agent into my nose. Trying two times she again was unable to put the tube in and let me tell you the freezing agent didn't make the experience any less painful.

Anyways, back up to my room I went with out the tube and along the way we passed my ENT Doctor. I told him that they were trying and failing to put a NG tube in. He looked at me with a puzzled look and then followed me to my room so that he could try to insert one. Bent over my bed holding my husbands hand this Doctor shoved this tube in my nose and down my throat right to were it should be. Yes it was painful, I threw up a lot and it felt like I constantly had something stuck in the back of my throat.

This tube lasted only 24 hours in. During the night they tried feeding me through this tube using the smallest amount of liquid possible. I was getting 25ml an hour and this still made me sick. The next day I felt as though I had a steel rod running down my throat and my chest was going to explode. My mom sat there holding my hand as I cried from the pain and begged the nurse to please take the tube out. The nurse informed us that they were going to do an x-ray to make sure the tube was in the right place before they could talk about taking it out. Well after the x-ray they found that yes the tube was in the right place and they wanted me to keep it in for as long as possible.

Let me tell you, I have been so thankful for my mother during this whole experience for more reasons than I can even begin to describe. There have been a lot of times when Doctors, Nurses, medical staff didn't listen to me because they felt that they knew better than I did. When ever this happened my mom was always there to stick up for me and speak for me to make sure that I was heard. This was one of those times.

When the nurse came back and told us that the tube was in the right place and that they wanted to keep it in my mom firmly informed her that the tube was coming out. There was no explanation to why I was in so much pain and feeding me through this tube was not working so the tube was going to come out. Again, thank the Lord for my mom because that tube came out and I was back to some what normal.

A few days later I had a GI doctor come in and talk with my mom and I about trying the NG tube again. We had a long discussion and after coming to agreement I decided to try the tube again on my conditions. One, they would place a scope down my throat to make sure that I wasn't torn or too raw for the tube to be placed. Two, I would be given a medication to knock me out so that I wouldn't feel the scope or the NG tube going in. Finally Three, if I was still throwing up from the NG tube feelings or was still in pain they would remove the tube immediately and never put another one in. The Doctors agreed and so down I went to get this done.

I never felt this tube going in but apparently the drugs that I got made me a little loopy. That night the nurses hooked me up to the NG food bag and again giving me only 25ml an hour we waited to see what would happen. In less than an hour I was throwing up. The next day with out any arguments the tube came out and like the Doctors promised I never had to have another one put in.


That's only one of many procedures I have had done.

A letter from Me to You

Dear Baby Bear,

As you are growing and developing inside of me you have no idea about the world outside and how we are all preparing for your arrival. The world on the outside is a big place and can be very overwhelming at times so I thought I would take a moment to write you this letter of things I want you to remember no matter how big you get or where you are in the world.

First I want you to know that God loves you. There will be times in your life when things don't go the way that you have planned, or you seem lost and don't remember how you got to the point where you are. In these times always remember that God loves you and He gave you life for a reason. Jer 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." You may not always know what God wants you to do but the best advice I can give you is to pray. Pray when you are lonely, lost, angry, pray when you are joyful and excited. God always wants to hear from you and is always ready to listen.

Secondly I want you to remember that I love you. You will hear stories of how sick you mother was during the whole time she was pregnant with you and these are not to make you feel guilty but rather to show you how loved and wanted you are. Everyday that I have been pregnant with you I have fought to keep you alive and make sure you were getting the best because I know that's what you deserve. Yes I will be honest and tell you that it was the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life and there were times when I wasn't sure I was the best mother for you, but I would do it all again just to bring you into this world and help you build the life I know God has planned for you.

Take time to listen. As you get older there will hundreds of new and exciting things that will come along and some of these will be great experiences, others will only bring hurt and heartache. When ever anything comes up always remember that your father and I will be here for you to talk to. We love you and only ever want the best for you. I know it may seem like we are too old, or that we don't understand what it's like but remember we have been children and teenagers, and we have experienced a lot of things. We promise to always be there to listen and try to see things from your point of view, all we ask is that you take the time to listen to us and respect the fact that we love you and really only ever want the best for you. We may not be able to protect you from everything but we will love you through anything.

If you are a boy I want you to remember to look up to your father. He is an amazing man who always believes the best in others and is always willing to give his time, energy and love to help with out ever wanting anything in return. You may think at times that your father is weird and yes I promise you that he will embarrass you at some point in your life, but he loves you and he loves his family. If you watch him, look up to him and follow in his footsteps you will be a better man because of it. Learn from his mistakes, grow from his wisdom.

If you are a girl the best role model I can hope for you is your Gramma Millman. She is a wonderful, strong, godly woman who believes in family, and is true to her morals. During the time that I was pregnant with you, your Gramma fought just as hard to keep you alive and trust me when I say I would have never survived with out her. She loves you more than you can even imagine and I still strive to be more like her. You could never ask for a better Gramma then Gramma Millman, and just by having her in your life you are blessed. Follow her footsteps, listen to her advice and strive to be as strong hearted and godly as she is. You will be a better woman for it.

Lastly I want you to remember to be true to yourself. Each and every day you will learn new things, grow in more ways then you can imagine and each day your personality will develop more and more. As you go through life you may feel pressured to do or try things, you may be unsure of what is right and wrong. All I can ask is that you take a moment to remember who you are and think about what you really want. If something doesn't feel right or seems to good to be true then walk away. God is always watching you and He will always let you know when something isn't right or when you should walk away from something. If you keep to your morals and listen to God's voice inside of you, you will be safer and stronger.

With all that in mind I love and continue to grow and develop. There are so many people awaiting your arrival, praying for you everyday and love you more than you can imagine. Please no matter what always remember that you are loved, wanted and are here for a reason.

With Love
Mom.

The List

When your body rejects every type of food that you put into it eventually you will get to a point where even thinking about eating makes your stomach turn. Well I hit that point and thankfully I have also moved past it. Now I am making a list of all the things I am going to eat once this baby is born. This is a long one so here we go.

Taco Bell- Pretty much their whole menu
BBQ Chicken Pizza from Panago or Two guys and a Pizza Place
Bacon and Cheddar Roast Beef with a stuffed Baked Potato from Arby's
Grilled Chicken Burger with extra sauce, A Big Bacon Classic and a Large Frosty from Wendy's
BLT Salad from Rikki's
Burger, Onion Rings and a Chocolate Shake from Peter's Drive In
Baseball steak with a side of Mushrooms from the Keg
Baha Quesadilla's from Moxie's
Boston Brute with extra sauce and Twice Bakes Tortellini from Boston Pizza
Montreal Smoked Meat Sandwich and Poutine from Red Dog Diner
Asian Buffet (Used to be called Treasures of China)
Beef and Chicken Yakisoba from Edo Japan
Strawberry Orange Julius and a Large Cheese Dog from Orange Julius
Chicken Souvlaki with extra tzatziki sauce
Marble Slab Ice Cream
Bourbon Chicken with Corn and Mashed Potato's from Bourbon Street Grill
Extra Hot Extra Carmel Carmel Macchiato
Meatball Sub and a Cold Cut Trio with Extra Black Olives
Four Cheese Lasagna from Costco
Hot Dog, Fries and Gravy from Costco Food Court
Mom's Homemade Fried Chicken with Biscuits, Corn and Warm Spinach Salad
Vietnamese Food
Pot Roast with Mashed Potato's and Yorkshire Pudding, with lots of Gravy
Peanut Butter Parfait and Mint Oreo Blizzard from Dairy Queen
French Toast with Bacon, Sausage and Scrambled Eggs with Cheese from Denny's
Mom's Chocolate Chip Cookies and Double Chocolate Chip Cookies
Cranberry Meatballs
Sweet and Sour Sausages
Mom's Honey Baked Chicken
Ribs from Tony Roma's
Never Ending Pasta Bowl from Olive Garden
Chocolate Lava Cake
Chicken Wings


That's all I can think of right now but I know that I will be continually adding to this list. I'm sure in the new year I am going to throw one big food party so everyone can celebrate my ability to enjoy food again.

Filling the seats

Take a moment and think of a playground slide, one of those ones that are tall and spiral down. Now imagine there is a person at the top of the slide with a water hose spraying the slide, and you are at the bottom trying to climb up it. What happens? Well with every step you slip, sometimes you can catch yourself and only stumble a couple of steps, sometimes you fall completely and end up right back down at the bottom.

This pregnancy journey has been like that slide. There are times when I think I have made progress and things are going good, only to have a blood test/ultra sound/ medication reaction, that brings me right back down that slide again. And to be honest there are times when I just sit at the bottom of that slide because I don't have the strength to start climbing. It is during these times that the people supporting me are the ones who help me find the strength, or encouragement that I need to take that first step.

As I am sitting here I am thinking about the people not that have been there for me, but the ones who haven't and in my opinion should be.

When I first was admitted to the hospital I was knocking at deaths door. I wasn't just standing there on his doorstep, I was banging my fists for him to let me in. Right away there were people surrounding me and my family, ready to turn their lives upside down so that they could help in anyway possible. We had people bring meals for my husband, and still bring meals. People who were there visiting, calling, sending cards and flowers, gifts, anything they could do to let us know that they loved us and were praying for all of us. Then there were people that didn't even show up at all, in any way, and I can't wrap my head around why.

I have gone through all the excuses in my head, things like some people can't be around the sick. Trust me I know that I make others uncomfortable. People don't really know what to say other than "How are you feeling," which really is kind of a stupid question when you're laying in a hospital bed with five different IV bags running into you. But, with today's technology there are so many ways to get in contact with someone to let them know they are loved, thought about, and prayed for with out even having to see them or even talk to them. Yet still....nothing.

I guess the biggest thing that bothers me is the fact that I was so close to death, the closest I have ever been in my entire life. And, to be honest at any point God could still take me away, as quickly as this baby comes He could call me home. A terrible thought but a completely honest one. My point is this. At my funeral, there these people would be sitting, eyes filled with tears saying how they couldn't believe that I was gone, and why did this have to happen, and yet they took no time to love or care about me when I was alive. That thought makes me angry. Really angry.

Then there is the positive side that this baby will come and both he/she and I will both be healthy and happy. Well again there those same people are, ready to celebrate the birth of this baby and tell he/she how much they love them. But why is it that you only care after the baby is born? Isn't loving someone being there to support them when things are good and when they are bad? Why is it that I only get to matter after all the tough times are over, or is it that really I don't matter at all and only the baby does? Again, this makes me Really angry.

So my end thought or question really is this. During times of complete struggle or sickness in this case a person will truly find out who their real friends and family are. I found out that there are some people in my life that are "fillers". They are just there to fill the seats in the theater of my life and really only make the place appear to be more full. So, do I really actually need them there, or should I just take this experience as a learning one and move on in my life with only the people who really came to see the show?

It's ok....I know the answer.

Let's get real

In the last few posts you may have noticed that I still have a sense of humor and part of me is still trying to be positive. Well, after hearing the phrase "I know how you feel," only about a thousand times I would like to say for the record that NO, you don't know how I feel. Some day's I'm not even sure exactly how I feel but this post is going to be about as real as I can get. Please understand that I am not looking for sympathy or words of encouragement, I just want people to take a moment and get a small idea of what I am actually going through.

First things first physically I am nauseous and exhausted. Now if you are thinking that these symptoms shouldn't really be all that bad then you have never been nauseous in your life. When I say I feel sick, I mean that I feel my stomach turning, acid building up and waves of nausea over taking every part of my being every single day and usually it's pretty much all day. It's like having food poisoning everyday, when all your body wants to do is get rid of every possible thing inside of it and more.

I can't eat anything and by anything I mean right now I can barley handle the few sips of water I use to take my medication with. Trust me I have tried to eat, everything from crackers to plain bread to things like broth that you don't even have to chew. Each time something goes in my mouth my body rejects it faster than I think. My record lately has been 10 minutes for keeping something down and that was me struggling and gaging the whole time doing everything I could not to throw up.

It's not just eating that makes me sick, in fact I get sick everyday two or three times just because of the acid that is in my stomach. When I am sick my it's like my body doesn't know when to stop purging itself because I keep going until I have gotten rid of all the acid, flem and then just nothing until my stomach hurts so much that it is too painful to keep going. My eyes are bloodshot and I have broken blood vessels in my face because of all the pressure. I am exhausted because I have nothing going into me and being as sick as I am my body uses every bit of energy it has to take care of this baby and to throw up.

Emotionally it's harder to explain.

Firstly I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. I should be at home taking care of my son and my husband making them meals, caring for them and teaching my son new things and helping him grow. I can't even walk as far as the door let alone make a meal for anyone or give my son a bath. In fact I'm not even strong enough to lift my son up to give him a hug, how can I not feel like a horrible mother. On top of this I feel like I can't even take care of my unborn child and give it everything it needs to be healthy and survive. I know that I am doing everything that I can but I also know that it's not enough. With out these medications and IV's I would have lost this baby a long time ago. I am no good at being pregnant and I hate it.

I feel guilty for so many things. For Shamus I took everything away from him before he could even blink. He use to come home every night to a wife and son who love him and now because of me he only gets to see his family once a week. I took his life away from him and it will be months before he can have that back. I feel guilty that I have put this strain on our marriage and for a better part of a year we will be doing this long distance. I love it when Shamus comes to visit and I get to spend those moments together but when he leaves the guilt comes and I know that he goes home lonely because of me.

I feel guilty that I can't bond with this baby because I don't even feel pregnant most of the time. Physically I show no real signs of pregnancy, in fact I hardly recognize myself in the mirror. My skin is bleach white, my arms and legs feel like tooth picks and even my hair has started to fall out. There have been times when I look at my family and I can see the worry or fear in their eyes because I look literally like death.

I feel guilty that I hate being pregnant and that what I want is for this to all be over so that I never have to go through this again. In my head I can hardly believe that these words have actually come out of my mouth. What kind of mother actually says that she never wants to get pregnant again. You hear about all these women who love being pregnant, they are glowing. I am not one of these women, there is no part of me that comes any where close to that and this may sound stupid but I am so angry that this idea of happy pregnancies is the standard that women are expected to live up to and because I don't, internally I feel like I am doing something wrong.

Then there are all the mean and hurtful things that people say when they think they are trying to help. Things like, " You should be happy that you are pregnant because there are some women that can't get pregnant at all." You know what... I don't care and I shouldn't have to care. Just because there are other women that are not able to conceive does not make my situation any better. Why am I chastised for feeling crappy and being upset and frustrated just because someone you know can't get pregnant. Is that really suppose to make me feel better because I rip myself apart enough every day for all the things that I think I am doing wrong, REALLY I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

There are those people that ask, "Have the doctors given you the option to abort the baby yet?" Really, this is you helping? I know that if I really wanted to I could make this all go away super fast but it would never be worth it. For the rest of my life I would know that I took away a child's life all because I didn't want to throw up anymore. No I am not going to abort this baby and in no way should I feel stupid for wanting it but when you ask me that's how you make me feel. I should be furious with the people that have brought this up but to be honest most times I just sit here questioning why they don't love or want this baby the way I do. When they hold this baby for the first time and tell he/she that they love them, how am I not suppose to resent that because they didn't want this baby in the first place.

So there you go, there is a small window into what I actually feel and to be honest it's a very small window. Again I did not write this so that others would try to "fix" my feelings or tell me in anyway that I am wrong in feeling the way that I do. Emotions are very personal things and no one is wrong for feeling certain things. For the most part I just want others to take a moment and look deeper into the heart of someone dealing with Hyperemisis.

Yes, No and....Are you serious?

Well after being in the hospital for some time now you have your usual nurses that know you and know basically what is happening in your day to day life. It's every few days that you get a new nurse or a nursing student that comes in and for some reason feel that they know more than you do and that they can solve or cure you within their shift. Let me tell you something, if this could be cured in a six hour period do you not think I would be better by now?

So with the new nurses you get asked all the same questions that I have been asked probably at least 50 times now. Every time they ask they always seem surprised at the answers so I thought that maybe I would let you all in on my day to day physical condition and perhaps I will print out this answers list so I can just hand it to a new nurse when they come in.

Q) How are you feeling?
A) Nauseous, Exhausted

Q) Is the nausea better or worse then before?
A) It is never better, there are days when it is worse but no I ALWAYS feel nauseous

Q) How often are you sick?
A) Every day. I literally throw up at least two to three times every day.

Q) When was the last time you ate something?
A) Two to three months ago

Q) Have you tried eating dry foods, small amounts of food, crackers, etc...?
A) Seriously? Do you not think that by now I would have tried everything possible to keep something down? Yes I have tried everything you could possibly think of.

Q) Do you feel hungry?
A) No I have no desire to eat or drink anything

Q) Are the medications helping?
A) They make the nausea tolerable but never take it away completely.

Q) Are your legs or feet swollen?
A) No. ( One nurse actually told me that I was lucky when I said no. I think we have different view points on what a rough pregnancy actually is)

Q) Are you sleeping?
A) Yes but not through the night. I wake up four or five times every night and no sleeping pills don't help.

That's pretty much everything that I can remember them asking within the first five minutes of them walking in the room. On top of that they take vitals, listen to your heart and lungs and check you over for anything they think may be out of the ordinary.

The "Are you serious," question was asked by one of the OBGYN doctors that I saw. The first time I ever met him he walked in my room sat on a chair and asked me flat out, " Are you sure you want to continue with this pregnancy?"

I think I was in shock when he asked this. Do I want to continue with this pregnancy? Are you serious? Of course I want to continue, I love this baby. It amazed me that this would even be asked but then I thought, this is obviously asked because there are women out there that choose not to have their babies. In my mind, heart and well every piece of me knows that God gave Shamus and I this baby and it is up to Him when he/she is born and when He will call them home.

God gives us moments in life to test our faith in Him and some of these moments are easier to face then others. I know that He wants me to be going through this experience to grow and learn from it but I also know that my faith is strong in the fact that He is in charge of this baby and His plan is bigger than any doctors.

Visitors

So after being in the hospital for some time now there have been lots of people who have come to visit and keep me company. I get my wonderful husband that comes every night and takes me on a date. This consists of walking the hospital and sitting together just talking about our days or how we are feeling. There are my parents and the cutest little red headed boy named Toryn who all come on the weekends. This is great because I get to watch my son run and play, I get to see how big he has gotten and, he gets to show me all the new things he has learned. My parents are great and I could never thank them enough for everything that they have done for us. There are friends that come on their lunch hours to distract me from how lonely I am and, they keep me involved in what is happening in the "outside world". Then there are the visitors that come late at night just to watch over me.

Warning-- If you are like my brother and the thought of ghosts or spirits or angels freak you out, you may not want to continue reading.

So there I was one night alone in a dark hospital room and trying to fall asleep when I got this feeling that there was someone else in the room with me. After opening my eyes and realizing that there was not a nurse standing beside me I began to scan the room when there at the foot of my bed was this shadowy figure. Normally a dark shadowed figure standing over you would freak any person out but this figure was different. Even though I couldn't make out any distinctive features about this "person", I knew with every part of my being that it was my Great Gramma Maude Shuart. Now if you're asking how I knew well I can't really explain it other than your heart just knows.

When I told my parents the next day about Gramma visiting me, neither one of them were disturbed or surprised by the visit. In our family we have had a ghost named George follow us for as long as I can remember so a visit from a family member like Gramma is more of a comforting thought then anything else. In fact it would be weird if she didn't come to visit.

Well it wasn't too long after the evening visit that I had someone else come to check in on me. This visitor however was a little more hard to explain. Again while I was laying in bed alone one night I had the same feeling that someone else was in the room again. Right away I knew that it was not my Great Gramma and the feeling that I had was more of an uneasy one. In my mind I knew that there was someone there but I also knew that I did not know this person and that's when I started to become scared. Just as the fear started to build up inside of me God truly spoke right into my heart. Literally it was like I could actually hear the words being spoken inside of me. "Don't be scared," He said. " You do not know this person but they know you and they are suppose to be here." Just like that I was instantly calm and anytime that I started to feel uneasy, God would speak these words right into my heart again.

There have been a few other times where God would send an angel to watch over me or hold me when He knew I needed that extra support and every time I am comforted by the thought that He is watching over me. God's hands are big enough to hold the whole world but sometimes it feels like He puts everything aside to just hold me and Baby Bear to make sure we're ok.

Marge

So I guess every woman in Lethbridge and surrounding area decided to get pregnant in September because over 25 people have had babies in the last 48 hours. What does that mean to me you ask, well that means that I move from my private room on the woman's health ward where I had amazing nurses and a private bathroom to a shared room in God's waiting room.

I know the phrase God's waiting room is kind of rude but seriously I am on the palliative care ward where everyone here has kids older than I am and are at the age in their life where from here they either go into nursing homes or funeral homes.

So here I am in this room who I now share with Marge. Now I know that I wrote before about my lack of sleep in my old room but Marge makes sleep a privilege I get to experience for maybe three hours a night. This woman is on more medication in one day than I have probably taken in my whole life combined and, because of this she needs to have her vitals checked every hour. Day or night the nurse comes in, wakes her up and me in return. Marge also needs help to the bathroom every two to three hours. Now this is not so bad, I mean I feel for someone who is not able to walk on their own. What I don't like is the fact that they have now started bringing a chair to her bed side that she can go to the bathroom in. As much as I know you don't move well Marge, I really don't like knowing or hearing you go to the bathroom two feet away from me and the only thing separating us is an ugly yellow curtain that is as thin as a bed sheet.

So that's every hour to two hours day and night and to add to the list, when Marge is awake she moans and when she sleeps she snores. She snores louder than a bear in hibernation plus she keeps the temperature in the room so hot you'd think she was hypothermic or something.

Maybe the doctors put me in here with Marge to test my breaking point. Maybe they are hoping that this is the push I need to start eating and get me home.

Picc in my side

After a week, five different iv sites and having my veins so irritated and raw that I am literally screaming in pain the doctors decided to put a picc line in. Now picc stands for Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter, but I like to refer to it as my Personal Instrument for Causing Confusion. Basically it is a tube that runs through a vain from my upper arm to my heart. I told Shamus he could have saved time on dating me because apparently this picc line was the key to my heart.

From this line there are two separate lines that attach to this picc, one for my food bad and the other is for saline and medications. Every night they have to change the tubing for the line that gives me food, and every night it takes at least two nurses to figure out what goes where. I know that eventually I will grow tired of watching them struggle with this complex system of tubes and pumps but right now it's kind of amusing.

The real show is actually when they have to do the dressing change on the site. Anywhere from three to five nurses come in with this big binder full of instructions and step by step they read as I lay there and watch them change the site. It feels like they are back in school and I am their practise patient.

Thing have gotten to a point where if my IV pump starts beeping I know how to fix the problem and what buttons to push. I know the rate and volume of every bag that gets hooked up and soon I'm sure the nurses could just leave the items for the tube change and I could do it myself. Now if I could only learn how to keep food down...one thing at a time I guess.

Well I guess He's listening

In life sometimes we can get so caught up in all the day to day stuff and forget that we are walking down a path that God has designed for us. It is not until we find ourselves feeling lost in out struggles that we question if God is really watching over us and if He has a plan. It's strange really, I don't think I have ever questioned God's plan for me when things have been going well.

Today was a one of those days where I woke up feeling defeated. You have to understand that this experience is not only hard physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I also know that this will get better and the best place for me to be right now is in the hospital. However, after months of throwing up absolutely everything, feeling nauseous all the time, being pumped full of medications and having your arms be bruised so bad from needles you start to look like drug addict, you are bound to have days where you feel swallowed by the darkness that is this illness. So with that in mind, that is how I am feeling today.

Now most of us have been told that God answers prayers in His own time and in His own way, but isn't it amazing when He answers them even before we ever really pray.

So here I am in bed looking at yet another meal that I can't eat and things start to hit me all at once from every direction. I realized how tired and nausea's I am and how "sick" I am of feeling this way. I am lonely and miss being home with my Toryn, knowing exactly which cartoon we would be watching together. I miss Shamus coming home from work and us eating dinner together and having alone time. All in all I just hit a wall and I want to go home.

Well it was at that point that God knew that I needed something to lift my spirits. So...in walked my doctor with a Doppler machine. She told me that she had a feeling that today would be a good day to check the heartbeat. After a few minutes of searching and held breath there it was. This tiny fast 172 beats per minute sound that made everything that was wrong disappear.

Yes the first eleven weeks have been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Yes there is the very real possibility that I will be sick for the rest of the pregnancy, but when you hear that heartbeat and remember who you are doing this for it makes it all worth it. Even though this baby is only the size of a kidney bean it is still bigger than I am.

Sleep

You know how doctors do those studies to show how long the average teenager or adult sleeps during the night and the effects it has on their health. Well I think they should do one for the average hospital patient because I am sure it would be less than the average adult.

When I was first admitted to the hospital the doctors tell you to rest so that your body along with the medication can work and get better. Who knew that resting and getting sleep in a hospital can be next to impossible. After twelve days of being here I have only slept through the night once. Now take a moment and think about this; If you were in good health and started not sleeping more than four hours a night, eventually your body would get sick. So what happens when you are already sick and then not sleeping? How will your body ever recover?

Now I know you are probably thinking in a hospital there are always beeps going off from the machines, the beds are not the most comfortable and usually people can't sleep because they are in a strange environment. Well I disagree. Yes my hospital bed is no memory foam mattress but I can usually find a position that I am comfortable in. As for the machines I actually find the soft pumping noise of my IV soothing and somewhat relaxing. So after some careful thought I finally figured out why I was not sleeping, it's my schedule.

Now you would think that a person in the hospital wouldn't have a lot going on but you would be wrong. In fact I have less time to myself and am more busy here then outside the hospital.

6am- Weighed, Vitals and Meds
7am- Blood Tests
8am- Breakfast
9am- Vitals
10am- Meds
11am- Meds
12pm- Lunch
2pm- Meds and Vitals
4pm- Meds
5pm- Dinner
6pm- Picc Line Change
9pm- Meds and Vitals
10pm- Meds
2am- Meds

That is a lot of stuff going on and in those days they do blood sugar tests, ultra sounds if need be and, you also have visitors. At one point the doctors put me on a sleeping pill which didn't make me sleep any better it just made me groggy the next day.

I think when I finally do get to go home I am going to need a vacation just so I can relax and do nothing.

312

I know that I am a short tempered, fiery, stubborn, "I can do this" type of person who does not give up on things quickly or easily, and I have these traits for good reason. So getting to the point where I am sitting in a hospital room took maybe more than it should have.

After finding out that we were expecting for a second time, we all knew that I was going to be sick. With Toryn I was sick right up until he was born. In fact I was throwing up three days before I had him and at that point my water had already broken. Having morning sickness was an understatement, keep the path to the bathroom free and clear I was about to become very sick.

Things started pretty much the same way they did with Toryn only this time I noticed that I was sick sooner. By four and a half weeks I was starting to show and throwing up, not everything but enough that I noticed it. By five and a half weeks my list of foods that I could not eat was so long that it was a struggle to find something that my body could handle. Around this time I had become so ill that I was throwing up stomach acid and, if there was really nothing in my stomach I would just dry heave. This is probably the worst because dry heaving kills all your stomach muscles. It would get so bad that I would eat anything just so I had something to throw up.

So there I am one night at work rushing to the bathroom yet again and this time I am throwing up blood. Having never had this happen before, in a mad panic I drive my bawling eyed self to the only walk-in clinic that I know to get checked. Doctor says everything is fine and gave me some meds that "should" help with nausea. Should is the operative word here.

Now in my seventh week I am still throwing up everything and nothing but, I have my first appointment with my OBGYN. By this time I have lost just over 20 pounds but not freaking out because I did the same thing with Toryn. My doctor gives me the full check up and a new prescription. She also informs me that I will most likely follow the same path as I did with Toryn and be sick the whole time. Feeling slightly disappointed that the statement "It's easier the second time around," would not apply to me, we left the office planning to come back in a month for the heartbeat appointment.

Well two weeks go by and I seem to get worse. I am at the point where nothing stays down not even liquid, I am afraid to even swallow most times because that is enough liquid to make my stomach turn. At this point I have more than a handful of people telling me to go to the hospital.

So off we go to the ER and before I know it I am being pumped full of liquids and having an ultra sound done. After four hours the baby is fine and I was just really dehydrated. We went home with yet another new prescription hoping that maybe this one would work better than the others.

The next day I was back in the ER with horrible stomach pains, so this time they pumped me full of liquids and meds and kept me over night. The next morning they did another ultra sound, said that everything still looked good and sent me home with a new $700 prescription. By this time my mom had come down to help with Toryn and with things around the house. I spent the next day at home laying on the couch trying to handle a tsp of liquid every two hours which, I was still throwing up.

By that night I was so exhausted and sick that I just wanted to go to bed. Well on the way I passed out. To me I figured that I had just stood up too fast, I thought nothing of it and went to bed. The next morning I had the lovely experience of passing out again, so true to form my mom packs up everything, puts me in the car and rushes me back to the ER.

A few hours later I am being diagnosed with Hyperemisis Graviderum and am admitted to the hospital. So here I sit in room 312, dehydrated, risking heart, kidney and liver failure, down about 30lbs, frustrated, defeated and lost in the questions of how it all got so bad.

day 4 in the hospital

First let me thank you for your love and prayers. I couldn't get through the days without them. My mom told me today in Calgary- First Nazarene (my home church) had the entire congregation praying for me-- the thought of that makes me cry.

Well its day 4 of my hospital stay and originally it was thought i would be going home tomorrow, that has changed and we are not sure when i get out of here. I am trying to remind myself that here is the best place for me- but at times its hard...

Anyway- here's is something for you to think about-- early this morning i looked to see my great-great Gramma (Maude Shuart) standing at the end of my bed- even though i couldn't see her face i knew it was her.. was it a dream-- a vision-- does it matter- i know she was here and it was oddly comforting..

My doctor came by again- she has been coming in every day and today you could tell she was getting frustrated as the usual medications and solutions for combating my Hyperemesis Gravidarum are not working - not a surprise for me "the usual" usually doesn't work on me anyway. Although i am glad she is still hopeful and looking for other options. She told me i am stable now- which is better than when i came in, and although i am still losing weight at least its has slowed down. Now i have some of the "fake weight" the weight from all the IV fluids being pumped into me constantly.. My mom said that's what she has "fake weight" and wanted to know how she can lose weight in her sleep like i am able to- she says she gains weight in her sleep! My doctor also told me i have to train my body to eat food again- rather than eating me since that is what it is doing- literally. It has gone for so long without food, it doesn't know what to do with it and is breaking me down little by little.. She told me to eat whatever i crave- tonight i had mashed potatoes-- great going down-- not so good coming up. But it did stay down for 10 minutes!!
Shamus is off to Calgary this week for a course with CBS so its just my mom and Toryn here. Toryn has been amazing- even though his world has been turned upside down he is still wonderful. He has a smile on his face, saying hi to everyone he meets- what a little charmer! he really is the best little boy in the world- or as his Gramma says 'hes perfect!"

Thanks again everyone for the love, prayers, support, texts and emails- and to my doctor and nurses who are doing everything they can for "baby bear" and mommy!

Sucking it up.

Well the ice chips didn't work so now I am trying small pieces of pedialight Popsicles in a lovely wild berry flavor. This might sound bad but I hope they taste just as good coming up as they do going down.

At this point in time my options are very limited as to what I can do now so maybe it's time to just suck it up and look for the small positives in my day to day. Like last night, I had a dream about going on a huge shopping spree with and ex's credit card. It was so much fun and I got a lot of stuff, it wasn't real but it is the closest thing to a shopping spree I will have in a long time.

Things to be careful of. Don't get up to fast especially if you are slightly dehydrated because then you pass out. The worst part is not actually passing out, it's the half an hour of people staring at you to make sure you are ok. I love you but really I'm ok, no need to stare.

We are leaving tomorrow for Calgary to spend time with my family for a week. Going to church on Sunday morning is going to be fun since there are at least 6-7 doctors or nurses there waiting to see how I'm doing. Which to be honest I am really thankful for, although I hope I don't pass out in front of them especially in church. That's a lot of stares.

Have a great weekend everyone and I will keep you all posted.

A.

So far....so bad.

Well everyone, I thought I would start this so people who are not living close to me could see how I was doing whenever they wanted.

You know all those "Joys" of pregnancy, the glow, the shiny hair, the cute little baby bump that everyone seems to get excited over. Well all those things seem to have passed over me. Currently I am 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a little boy/girl that my mom has lovingly nick named 'Baby Bear'. What a fitting name since he/she seems to be as strong as a bear and doing a number on my system.

As of Wednesday June 2ND I have dropped down 20lbs and my cute little baby bump that I had only 3 weeks ago is gone. As for keeping down food and liquids, this is something that I can only hope will return sometime in the near future. I have been in the emergency room twice now for dehydration and cramping in my stomach.

Just on a side note, if you are pregnant and having sever cramping in your stomach they really should not make you wait 4 hours just to see a doctor. And to the lovely friend of my husband Shamus who said, "Gee I hope she's not one of those women who miscarry in the waiting room." Really....not the right thing to say at that moment in time. Thanks

In the hospital they gave me fluids and a new drug to try called Zofran. Apparently this is suppose to be the strongest drug they can give and it will help with nausea. LIES!!! Just kidding, this probably does help with most women but Baby Bear is immune to this and all other drugs. Oh and just in case someone out there thinks they have the answer, let me tell you what I have tried first before you suggest anything. Small meals six or seven times a day, not eating and drinking at the same time, watermelon, cake, bread, soda crackers, baked chips, Popsicles, ginger ale, tea. I have even tried just a tsp of water every two hours and yet still I am throwing up.

There is a light here though. I got a call from my WONDERFUL OBGYN today who said, "Don't worry we haven't tried everything yet." For someone who is past the point of falling apart this was the best news that I have heard since finding out I was pregnant. She told me that all the signs to watch for in regards to Dehydration and that the next time I go to the hospital to have them call her personally. She also said there is a chance they may have to admit me just to get this under control but they would assess that when it came time. So for now the next thing we are going to try is just sucking on an ice chip to see if that will help.

I do want to thank everyone for all the support and prayers they have been giving me and my family. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have my family, church family and friends to help. Even just asking if there is anything we need is a blessing so THANK YOU.

I will keep you posted on how things are going as I know there will be a huge celebration when that day finally comes when I can keep something down.

Gods blessings and love to all

A.