Filling the seats

Take a moment and think of a playground slide, one of those ones that are tall and spiral down. Now imagine there is a person at the top of the slide with a water hose spraying the slide, and you are at the bottom trying to climb up it. What happens? Well with every step you slip, sometimes you can catch yourself and only stumble a couple of steps, sometimes you fall completely and end up right back down at the bottom.

This pregnancy journey has been like that slide. There are times when I think I have made progress and things are going good, only to have a blood test/ultra sound/ medication reaction, that brings me right back down that slide again. And to be honest there are times when I just sit at the bottom of that slide because I don't have the strength to start climbing. It is during these times that the people supporting me are the ones who help me find the strength, or encouragement that I need to take that first step.

As I am sitting here I am thinking about the people not that have been there for me, but the ones who haven't and in my opinion should be.

When I first was admitted to the hospital I was knocking at deaths door. I wasn't just standing there on his doorstep, I was banging my fists for him to let me in. Right away there were people surrounding me and my family, ready to turn their lives upside down so that they could help in anyway possible. We had people bring meals for my husband, and still bring meals. People who were there visiting, calling, sending cards and flowers, gifts, anything they could do to let us know that they loved us and were praying for all of us. Then there were people that didn't even show up at all, in any way, and I can't wrap my head around why.

I have gone through all the excuses in my head, things like some people can't be around the sick. Trust me I know that I make others uncomfortable. People don't really know what to say other than "How are you feeling," which really is kind of a stupid question when you're laying in a hospital bed with five different IV bags running into you. But, with today's technology there are so many ways to get in contact with someone to let them know they are loved, thought about, and prayed for with out even having to see them or even talk to them. Yet still....nothing.

I guess the biggest thing that bothers me is the fact that I was so close to death, the closest I have ever been in my entire life. And, to be honest at any point God could still take me away, as quickly as this baby comes He could call me home. A terrible thought but a completely honest one. My point is this. At my funeral, there these people would be sitting, eyes filled with tears saying how they couldn't believe that I was gone, and why did this have to happen, and yet they took no time to love or care about me when I was alive. That thought makes me angry. Really angry.

Then there is the positive side that this baby will come and both he/she and I will both be healthy and happy. Well again there those same people are, ready to celebrate the birth of this baby and tell he/she how much they love them. But why is it that you only care after the baby is born? Isn't loving someone being there to support them when things are good and when they are bad? Why is it that I only get to matter after all the tough times are over, or is it that really I don't matter at all and only the baby does? Again, this makes me Really angry.

So my end thought or question really is this. During times of complete struggle or sickness in this case a person will truly find out who their real friends and family are. I found out that there are some people in my life that are "fillers". They are just there to fill the seats in the theater of my life and really only make the place appear to be more full. So, do I really actually need them there, or should I just take this experience as a learning one and move on in my life with only the people who really came to see the show?

It's ok....I know the answer.