Well I guess He's listening

In life sometimes we can get so caught up in all the day to day stuff and forget that we are walking down a path that God has designed for us. It is not until we find ourselves feeling lost in out struggles that we question if God is really watching over us and if He has a plan. It's strange really, I don't think I have ever questioned God's plan for me when things have been going well.

Today was a one of those days where I woke up feeling defeated. You have to understand that this experience is not only hard physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I also know that this will get better and the best place for me to be right now is in the hospital. However, after months of throwing up absolutely everything, feeling nauseous all the time, being pumped full of medications and having your arms be bruised so bad from needles you start to look like drug addict, you are bound to have days where you feel swallowed by the darkness that is this illness. So with that in mind, that is how I am feeling today.

Now most of us have been told that God answers prayers in His own time and in His own way, but isn't it amazing when He answers them even before we ever really pray.

So here I am in bed looking at yet another meal that I can't eat and things start to hit me all at once from every direction. I realized how tired and nausea's I am and how "sick" I am of feeling this way. I am lonely and miss being home with my Toryn, knowing exactly which cartoon we would be watching together. I miss Shamus coming home from work and us eating dinner together and having alone time. All in all I just hit a wall and I want to go home.

Well it was at that point that God knew that I needed something to lift my spirits. So...in walked my doctor with a Doppler machine. She told me that she had a feeling that today would be a good day to check the heartbeat. After a few minutes of searching and held breath there it was. This tiny fast 172 beats per minute sound that made everything that was wrong disappear.

Yes the first eleven weeks have been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Yes there is the very real possibility that I will be sick for the rest of the pregnancy, but when you hear that heartbeat and remember who you are doing this for it makes it all worth it. Even though this baby is only the size of a kidney bean it is still bigger than I am.