Let's get real

In the last few posts you may have noticed that I still have a sense of humor and part of me is still trying to be positive. Well, after hearing the phrase "I know how you feel," only about a thousand times I would like to say for the record that NO, you don't know how I feel. Some day's I'm not even sure exactly how I feel but this post is going to be about as real as I can get. Please understand that I am not looking for sympathy or words of encouragement, I just want people to take a moment and get a small idea of what I am actually going through.

First things first physically I am nauseous and exhausted. Now if you are thinking that these symptoms shouldn't really be all that bad then you have never been nauseous in your life. When I say I feel sick, I mean that I feel my stomach turning, acid building up and waves of nausea over taking every part of my being every single day and usually it's pretty much all day. It's like having food poisoning everyday, when all your body wants to do is get rid of every possible thing inside of it and more.

I can't eat anything and by anything I mean right now I can barley handle the few sips of water I use to take my medication with. Trust me I have tried to eat, everything from crackers to plain bread to things like broth that you don't even have to chew. Each time something goes in my mouth my body rejects it faster than I think. My record lately has been 10 minutes for keeping something down and that was me struggling and gaging the whole time doing everything I could not to throw up.

It's not just eating that makes me sick, in fact I get sick everyday two or three times just because of the acid that is in my stomach. When I am sick my it's like my body doesn't know when to stop purging itself because I keep going until I have gotten rid of all the acid, flem and then just nothing until my stomach hurts so much that it is too painful to keep going. My eyes are bloodshot and I have broken blood vessels in my face because of all the pressure. I am exhausted because I have nothing going into me and being as sick as I am my body uses every bit of energy it has to take care of this baby and to throw up.

Emotionally it's harder to explain.

Firstly I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. I should be at home taking care of my son and my husband making them meals, caring for them and teaching my son new things and helping him grow. I can't even walk as far as the door let alone make a meal for anyone or give my son a bath. In fact I'm not even strong enough to lift my son up to give him a hug, how can I not feel like a horrible mother. On top of this I feel like I can't even take care of my unborn child and give it everything it needs to be healthy and survive. I know that I am doing everything that I can but I also know that it's not enough. With out these medications and IV's I would have lost this baby a long time ago. I am no good at being pregnant and I hate it.

I feel guilty for so many things. For Shamus I took everything away from him before he could even blink. He use to come home every night to a wife and son who love him and now because of me he only gets to see his family once a week. I took his life away from him and it will be months before he can have that back. I feel guilty that I have put this strain on our marriage and for a better part of a year we will be doing this long distance. I love it when Shamus comes to visit and I get to spend those moments together but when he leaves the guilt comes and I know that he goes home lonely because of me.

I feel guilty that I can't bond with this baby because I don't even feel pregnant most of the time. Physically I show no real signs of pregnancy, in fact I hardly recognize myself in the mirror. My skin is bleach white, my arms and legs feel like tooth picks and even my hair has started to fall out. There have been times when I look at my family and I can see the worry or fear in their eyes because I look literally like death.

I feel guilty that I hate being pregnant and that what I want is for this to all be over so that I never have to go through this again. In my head I can hardly believe that these words have actually come out of my mouth. What kind of mother actually says that she never wants to get pregnant again. You hear about all these women who love being pregnant, they are glowing. I am not one of these women, there is no part of me that comes any where close to that and this may sound stupid but I am so angry that this idea of happy pregnancies is the standard that women are expected to live up to and because I don't, internally I feel like I am doing something wrong.

Then there are all the mean and hurtful things that people say when they think they are trying to help. Things like, " You should be happy that you are pregnant because there are some women that can't get pregnant at all." You know what... I don't care and I shouldn't have to care. Just because there are other women that are not able to conceive does not make my situation any better. Why am I chastised for feeling crappy and being upset and frustrated just because someone you know can't get pregnant. Is that really suppose to make me feel better because I rip myself apart enough every day for all the things that I think I am doing wrong, REALLY I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

There are those people that ask, "Have the doctors given you the option to abort the baby yet?" Really, this is you helping? I know that if I really wanted to I could make this all go away super fast but it would never be worth it. For the rest of my life I would know that I took away a child's life all because I didn't want to throw up anymore. No I am not going to abort this baby and in no way should I feel stupid for wanting it but when you ask me that's how you make me feel. I should be furious with the people that have brought this up but to be honest most times I just sit here questioning why they don't love or want this baby the way I do. When they hold this baby for the first time and tell he/she that they love them, how am I not suppose to resent that because they didn't want this baby in the first place.

So there you go, there is a small window into what I actually feel and to be honest it's a very small window. Again I did not write this so that others would try to "fix" my feelings or tell me in anyway that I am wrong in feeling the way that I do. Emotions are very personal things and no one is wrong for feeling certain things. For the most part I just want others to take a moment and look deeper into the heart of someone dealing with Hyperemisis.