When bringing a new life into this world there are so many things that we try to prepare for. New furniture is bought, rooms decorated, clothes are washed and ready to be worn. My husband and I took prenatal classes, read books, and asked more questions then I ever thought were possible to ask. We did this all so that we felt prepared and ready to physically take care of our son and now this soon to be born miracle. But as I sit here thinking I can't help but wonder if I have emotionally prepared my life for this child.
So maybe it's time do my own heart check up.
To Kacie,
To say that what you did to me and said about me was hurtful, that would be an understatement. We had been friends, best friends for years and I had always been there for you to support you and defend you when others put you down. To hurt me the way that you did felt like taking a bullet and it came from out of no where. I have forgiven you and told you that and yet you still have made the decision to not continue our friendship. Although I do understand and even agree that maybe that is the best choice for us, I still have days where I miss talking to you.
To Rachel,
I look at you now and cannot believe how much you have changed for the better over the last few years. There are times when I look back that I never once thought I could or would feel a connection to you in any way and I have always felt as though that was my fault. I could have been more understanding, more committed, more of something but emotionally I was not mature enough to handle everything. I want you to know that I'm sorry, and yes I know I have said it before, I really do mean it and am so comforted knowing that you are in a much better place and are happy with your life. I am also so lucky to be a part of it.
To Sandy,
You and I have a relationship that is one of the closest I have ever had in my life. We connect to each other with out having to explain things or have the awkwardness of misunderstanding or miscommunication. Lately though I don't feel as close to you anymore, I feel as though I have been replaced by other things and other people in your life. Even though I try to stay in touch with you and invite you in to important moments in my life, I just don't feel that you want me or need me there as much as you use to. I hope you know that I love you and will always be there for you, but I miss playing an important role in your life.
To Gabrielle and Glen,
I'm really not sure where to begin. For years I have hoped, begged, cried and pleaded with you to be a part of my life, and continuously you have chosen not to. I will never understand why you have always put someone who is selfish and uses you, is a liar, a cheater and even a thief on such a high pedestal and yet some one who just wants to love you and wants you there, you toss them aside as if they don't matter. I will never understand why you chose not to see that person for who they really are, but I do understand that you have chosen not to see me. I have thought about giving you one last chance to prove that I matter to you, my family matters to you and my children matter to you, but honestly my heart can't take the inevitable disappointment I know you will bring. Therefore, I need you to know that in the future I have no expectations of you and I say this because you will never be able to live up to even the smallest hopes that I have for you and your roll in my life. I want you to also know that the choice you have made to not be there also means that my roll in your life has changed as well. I will no longer make the effort to keep you updated on my life, or drive out of my way to make sure you see my children. You have made it so heartbreakingly clear that you do not value or love them or me enough to make an effort so I feel no reason why I should have to make one either. I will happily surround my family with people who love them unconditionally and want to be there rather than are forced to be there out of guilt.
So you all know, the names have been changed for privacy reasons and yes all of these things either have been or will be said to these people in the near future.
For the longest time I thought that I was angry about some of these things but in actuality all I really needed to do was get my thoughts clear in my head and in my heart, enough so that I could let these things go. So as I prepare for today I encourage you to do your own heart check up and monitor what's really going on inside of you. I know that it is only fair that I be physically prepared as well as emotionally prepared for this baby, he/she deserves that.
The Neesons
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
What Dreams May Come...
Many women will tell you that when they are pregnant their body changes and they notice things on a level deeper than then ever have before. The smallest kick, or growth can feel completely different to an expecting mother. What you may not know is that while you are pregnant your dreams change and during this pregnancy I have had some of the most horrifying dreams I have ever had in my entire life.
Some people say that what you eat before you go to bed will alter the dreams that you have however, since all my nutrition is given through a tube in my arm I don't think that is a factor in my night time terrors. One thing I do think has helped bring certain things to life in my dreams is my wonderful husbands selection of horror and zombie movies. I think this is what my mind used as inspiration to draw my dreams from.
The first dream that I remember having I was in the basement of a school surrounded by lockers, classrooms and students. I remember an alarm going off almost like a warning siren and then people screaming and running to hide. Out of now where there are guns being shot, fires starting in the halls and I'm throwing a grenade blowing off some guys leg. I would go into further detail but I think you will get the idea if I just say there was blood and guts everywhere, and I was the one killing these people off. Oh and in case you were wondering, no one I knew was in the dream so I didn't kill off friends or certain family members.
Another dream I remember is one where I was actually a zombie living in this huge mansion with a bunch of other zombies. We were running around trying to save this person from becoming a brain eating evil zombie...don't ask apparently I was a non brain eating zombie. Anyways we ending up failing and then were running or zombie walking I guess for our lives away from this other zombie. At the end of the dream we had to leave the mansion and move into another safe zombie district. Weird I know.
The dream I had last night was probably the most terrifying dream I have had in a long time, if not in my whole life. I was in this dark cold room with two other people. I had this gut wrenching feeling that this room was surrounded by evil and that I shouldn't be there. As I was sitting there the other girl that was in the room started becoming more and more angry stating all the reasons as to why she hated herself. As her anger grew and grew I watched as her body split into two. One side was the evil angry part that obviously had more control and the other was this weak pile on the floor. As I sat there the stronger part of this girl began to brutally beat and kill the other half of herself, and when I say brutally think of the worst horror movie scene you can think of and times that by ten.
After she had killed the other half of herself, I ran out of the building and into these two little girls who were no more than 8 or 9 years old. I told them to run as fast as they could away from the house and get help. We were running down the alley and I looked behind me to see the "Angry Girl"who had now turned into this dark flying witch type figure had grabbed one of the girls. I remember hearing the shrill blood curdling screams of now both girls being taken and flown off to be killed. I kept running and running until I found this security guard on a bicycle and asked him if he had a cell phone so I could call for help. The last thing I remember is looking up and seeing this witch flying back down right towards me.
It may not sound like much but it was one of those dreams that was so realistic that you didn't even realize that you were dreaming, it might as well have been real life.
I guess there is one more reason why I can't wait until this baby comes, so I can have some what normal dreams again otherwise I will call paramount and start writing their next hit horror films.
Some people say that what you eat before you go to bed will alter the dreams that you have however, since all my nutrition is given through a tube in my arm I don't think that is a factor in my night time terrors. One thing I do think has helped bring certain things to life in my dreams is my wonderful husbands selection of horror and zombie movies. I think this is what my mind used as inspiration to draw my dreams from.
The first dream that I remember having I was in the basement of a school surrounded by lockers, classrooms and students. I remember an alarm going off almost like a warning siren and then people screaming and running to hide. Out of now where there are guns being shot, fires starting in the halls and I'm throwing a grenade blowing off some guys leg. I would go into further detail but I think you will get the idea if I just say there was blood and guts everywhere, and I was the one killing these people off. Oh and in case you were wondering, no one I knew was in the dream so I didn't kill off friends or certain family members.
Another dream I remember is one where I was actually a zombie living in this huge mansion with a bunch of other zombies. We were running around trying to save this person from becoming a brain eating evil zombie...don't ask apparently I was a non brain eating zombie. Anyways we ending up failing and then were running or zombie walking I guess for our lives away from this other zombie. At the end of the dream we had to leave the mansion and move into another safe zombie district. Weird I know.
The dream I had last night was probably the most terrifying dream I have had in a long time, if not in my whole life. I was in this dark cold room with two other people. I had this gut wrenching feeling that this room was surrounded by evil and that I shouldn't be there. As I was sitting there the other girl that was in the room started becoming more and more angry stating all the reasons as to why she hated herself. As her anger grew and grew I watched as her body split into two. One side was the evil angry part that obviously had more control and the other was this weak pile on the floor. As I sat there the stronger part of this girl began to brutally beat and kill the other half of herself, and when I say brutally think of the worst horror movie scene you can think of and times that by ten.
After she had killed the other half of herself, I ran out of the building and into these two little girls who were no more than 8 or 9 years old. I told them to run as fast as they could away from the house and get help. We were running down the alley and I looked behind me to see the "Angry Girl"who had now turned into this dark flying witch type figure had grabbed one of the girls. I remember hearing the shrill blood curdling screams of now both girls being taken and flown off to be killed. I kept running and running until I found this security guard on a bicycle and asked him if he had a cell phone so I could call for help. The last thing I remember is looking up and seeing this witch flying back down right towards me.
It may not sound like much but it was one of those dreams that was so realistic that you didn't even realize that you were dreaming, it might as well have been real life.
I guess there is one more reason why I can't wait until this baby comes, so I can have some what normal dreams again otherwise I will call paramount and start writing their next hit horror films.
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