Matters of the Heart.

When bringing a new life into this world there are so many things that we try to prepare for. New furniture is bought, rooms decorated, clothes are washed and ready to be worn. My husband and I took prenatal classes, read books, and asked more questions then I ever thought were possible to ask. We did this all so that we felt prepared and ready to physically take care of our son and now this soon to be born miracle. But as I sit here thinking I can't help but wonder if I have emotionally prepared my life for this child.

So maybe it's time do my own heart check up.

To Kacie,

To say that what you did to me and said about me was hurtful, that would be an understatement. We had been friends, best friends for years and I had always been there for you to support you and defend you when others put you down. To hurt me the way that you did felt like taking a bullet and it came from out of no where. I have forgiven you and told you that and yet you still have made the decision to not continue our friendship. Although I do understand and even agree that maybe that is the best choice for us, I still have days where I miss talking to you.

To Rachel,

I look at you now and cannot believe how much you have changed for the better over the last few years. There are times when I look back that I never once thought I could or would feel a connection to you in any way and I have always felt as though that was my fault. I could have been more understanding, more committed, more of something but emotionally I was not mature enough to handle everything. I want you to know that I'm sorry, and yes I know I have said it before, I really do mean it and am so comforted knowing that you are in a much better place and are happy with your life. I am also so lucky to be a part of it.

To Sandy,

You and I have a relationship that is one of the closest I have ever had in my life. We connect to each other with out having to explain things or have the awkwardness of misunderstanding or miscommunication. Lately though I don't feel as close to you anymore, I feel as though I have been replaced by other things and other people in your life. Even though I try to stay in touch with you and invite you in to important moments in my life, I just don't feel that you want me or need me there as much as you use to. I hope you know that I love you and will always be there for you, but I miss playing an important role in your life.

To Gabrielle and Glen,

I'm really not sure where to begin. For years I have hoped, begged, cried and pleaded with you to be a part of my life, and continuously you have chosen not to. I will never understand why you have always put someone who is selfish and uses you, is a liar, a cheater and even a thief on such a high pedestal and yet some one who just wants to love you and wants you there, you toss them aside as if they don't matter. I will never understand why you chose not to see that person for who they really are, but I do understand that you have chosen not to see me. I have thought about giving you one last chance to prove that I matter to you, my family matters to you and my children matter to you, but honestly my heart can't take the inevitable disappointment I know you will bring. Therefore, I need you to know that in the future I have no expectations of you and I say this because you will never be able to live up to even the smallest hopes that I have for you and your roll in my life. I want you to also know that the choice you have made to not be there also means that my roll in your life has changed as well. I will no longer make the effort to keep you updated on my life, or drive out of my way to make sure you see my children. You have made it so heartbreakingly clear that you do not value or love them or me enough to make an effort so I feel no reason why I should have to make one either. I will happily surround my family with people who love them unconditionally and want to be there rather than are forced to be there out of guilt.

So you all know, the names have been changed for privacy reasons and yes all of these things either have been or will be said to these people in the near future.

For the longest time I thought that I was angry about some of these things but in actuality all I really needed to do was get my thoughts clear in my head and in my heart, enough so that I could let these things go. So as I prepare for today I encourage you to do your own heart check up and monitor what's really going on inside of you. I know that it is only fair that I be physically prepared as well as emotionally prepared for this baby, he/she deserves that.