What comes first the Chicken or the Egg?

So ladies and gentlemen, here we are at the 8 month mark. It is only another 33 days until my due date and to say that making it this far is a miracle would be putting it in minimal terms. Looking back on the last 8 months it is amazing everything that we, my family and I have had to go through. I still remember back in early stages of pregnancy the doctors were already to support me terminating this baby and me fighting and doing everything I could just to keep it. Now it seems that Baby Bear Neeson is amazingly healthy and doing very well. Me on the other had,well I am hitting my breaking point and now looking for some help.

Firstly I want to say that in no way am I ungrateful for this pregnancy or the ability to become pregnant. I would like to say that if you had to for even a week go through and feel everything that I have had to deal with, I am sure you would becoming to the same emotional, mental, and physical breaking point that I am hitting and it really would only take a week. Remember I have been doing this for 8 months.

I have a date in my head that I can hold out until before I really see myself having a total and complete breakdown and this date is not my due date.

From the very beginning I knew that I had to wait until at least December 1st because in my head that was a safe date. The baby would be developed far enough along that any major problems it could have developmentally or physically would be minimal, if there were any at all. For months and months I have done everything I can possibly do to put this baby first and make sure that he/she was ok. I even told the doctors that if it came down to it and the choice had to be made between saving the baby and saving me, save the baby first. God has a plan for this child and for me, whatever happens is suppose to happen.

Well now that we are nearing the end of this experience it seems as though the doctors are no longer willing to help me. It was only six months ago that they were willing to terminate the baby and now, the baby is healthy and I am asking for an early induction for my own health they have continually said no. So my question becomes this, what comes first the chicken or the egg?

Six months ago these same doctors were telling me that my health, the chicken, came first and we needed to do everything to make sure that I am ok. Now, even though the baby, the egg, is perfectly healthy and fully developed, my health is not what is important.

For almost three months now I have been experiencing heart problems, chest pain, shortness of breath, dizzy spells, fainting, blurred vision, extreme headaches and other problems all to hear the doctors say, "We don't know."

So back to my question, if the egg is fine, actually more than fine and the chicken is quickly deteriorating, and you can safely remove the egg from the chicken keeping both healthy, then why don't you? It almost feels like they are punishing me for wanting this baby, as if they are saying "You wanted this so you ride it out until you have to deliver. This is the bed you chose so lay in it."

So tell me...when does the chicken matter?

Matters of the Heart.

When bringing a new life into this world there are so many things that we try to prepare for. New furniture is bought, rooms decorated, clothes are washed and ready to be worn. My husband and I took prenatal classes, read books, and asked more questions then I ever thought were possible to ask. We did this all so that we felt prepared and ready to physically take care of our son and now this soon to be born miracle. But as I sit here thinking I can't help but wonder if I have emotionally prepared my life for this child.

So maybe it's time do my own heart check up.

To Kacie,

To say that what you did to me and said about me was hurtful, that would be an understatement. We had been friends, best friends for years and I had always been there for you to support you and defend you when others put you down. To hurt me the way that you did felt like taking a bullet and it came from out of no where. I have forgiven you and told you that and yet you still have made the decision to not continue our friendship. Although I do understand and even agree that maybe that is the best choice for us, I still have days where I miss talking to you.

To Rachel,

I look at you now and cannot believe how much you have changed for the better over the last few years. There are times when I look back that I never once thought I could or would feel a connection to you in any way and I have always felt as though that was my fault. I could have been more understanding, more committed, more of something but emotionally I was not mature enough to handle everything. I want you to know that I'm sorry, and yes I know I have said it before, I really do mean it and am so comforted knowing that you are in a much better place and are happy with your life. I am also so lucky to be a part of it.

To Sandy,

You and I have a relationship that is one of the closest I have ever had in my life. We connect to each other with out having to explain things or have the awkwardness of misunderstanding or miscommunication. Lately though I don't feel as close to you anymore, I feel as though I have been replaced by other things and other people in your life. Even though I try to stay in touch with you and invite you in to important moments in my life, I just don't feel that you want me or need me there as much as you use to. I hope you know that I love you and will always be there for you, but I miss playing an important role in your life.

To Gabrielle and Glen,

I'm really not sure where to begin. For years I have hoped, begged, cried and pleaded with you to be a part of my life, and continuously you have chosen not to. I will never understand why you have always put someone who is selfish and uses you, is a liar, a cheater and even a thief on such a high pedestal and yet some one who just wants to love you and wants you there, you toss them aside as if they don't matter. I will never understand why you chose not to see that person for who they really are, but I do understand that you have chosen not to see me. I have thought about giving you one last chance to prove that I matter to you, my family matters to you and my children matter to you, but honestly my heart can't take the inevitable disappointment I know you will bring. Therefore, I need you to know that in the future I have no expectations of you and I say this because you will never be able to live up to even the smallest hopes that I have for you and your roll in my life. I want you to also know that the choice you have made to not be there also means that my roll in your life has changed as well. I will no longer make the effort to keep you updated on my life, or drive out of my way to make sure you see my children. You have made it so heartbreakingly clear that you do not value or love them or me enough to make an effort so I feel no reason why I should have to make one either. I will happily surround my family with people who love them unconditionally and want to be there rather than are forced to be there out of guilt.

So you all know, the names have been changed for privacy reasons and yes all of these things either have been or will be said to these people in the near future.

For the longest time I thought that I was angry about some of these things but in actuality all I really needed to do was get my thoughts clear in my head and in my heart, enough so that I could let these things go. So as I prepare for today I encourage you to do your own heart check up and monitor what's really going on inside of you. I know that it is only fair that I be physically prepared as well as emotionally prepared for this baby, he/she deserves that.

What Dreams May Come...

Many women will tell you that when they are pregnant their body changes and they notice things on a level deeper than then ever have before. The smallest kick, or growth can feel completely different to an expecting mother. What you may not know is that while you are pregnant your dreams change and during this pregnancy I have had some of the most horrifying dreams I have ever had in my entire life.

Some people say that what you eat before you go to bed will alter the dreams that you have however, since all my nutrition is given through a tube in my arm I don't think that is a factor in my night time terrors. One thing I do think has helped bring certain things to life in my dreams is my wonderful husbands selection of horror and zombie movies. I think this is what my mind used as inspiration to draw my dreams from.

The first dream that I remember having I was in the basement of a school surrounded by lockers, classrooms and students. I remember an alarm going off almost like a warning siren and then people screaming and running to hide. Out of now where there are guns being shot, fires starting in the halls and I'm throwing a grenade blowing off some guys leg. I would go into further detail but I think you will get the idea if I just say there was blood and guts everywhere, and I was the one killing these people off. Oh and in case you were wondering, no one I knew was in the dream so I didn't kill off friends or certain family members.

Another dream I remember is one where I was actually a zombie living in this huge mansion with a bunch of other zombies. We were running around trying to save this person from becoming a brain eating evil zombie...don't ask apparently I was a non brain eating zombie. Anyways we ending up failing and then were running or zombie walking I guess for our lives away from this other zombie. At the end of the dream we had to leave the mansion and move into another safe zombie district. Weird I know.

The dream I had last night was probably the most terrifying dream I have had in a long time, if not in my whole life. I was in this dark cold room with two other people. I had this gut wrenching feeling that this room was surrounded by evil and that I shouldn't be there. As I was sitting there the other girl that was in the room started becoming more and more angry stating all the reasons as to why she hated herself. As her anger grew and grew I watched as her body split into two. One side was the evil angry part that obviously had more control and the other was this weak pile on the floor. As I sat there the stronger part of this girl began to brutally beat and kill the other half of herself, and when I say brutally think of the worst horror movie scene you can think of and times that by ten.

After she had killed the other half of herself, I ran out of the building and into these two little girls who were no more than 8 or 9 years old. I told them to run as fast as they could away from the house and get help. We were running down the alley and I looked behind me to see the "Angry Girl"who had now turned into this dark flying witch type figure had grabbed one of the girls. I remember hearing the shrill blood curdling screams of now both girls being taken and flown off to be killed. I kept running and running until I found this security guard on a bicycle and asked him if he had a cell phone so I could call for help. The last thing I remember is looking up and seeing this witch flying back down right towards me.

It may not sound like much but it was one of those dreams that was so realistic that you didn't even realize that you were dreaming, it might as well have been real life.

I guess there is one more reason why I can't wait until this baby comes, so I can have some what normal dreams again otherwise I will call paramount and start writing their next hit horror films.

Excuse me?

As you can probably imagine after being in the hospital for most of my pregnancy and having the health issues that I have been having, the number of doctors and specialist that I have seen or have been watching over me continues to grow. I can't being to to say thank you for everything that these highly qualified people have done for me, this baby and our family. What I don't understand is the number of people who are not highly qualified nor have any idea of what my condition is or what I have been going through trying to give me advice.

Last night I was rushed into the Radiology department of the Rockyview Hospital for an emergency ultra sound of my picc line because I am having unexplained pain and shouldn't be. As I was waiting in the room for the ultra sound tech to return so he could do the exam my mind started to wander and worry about all the things that could possibly be wrong and what solutions and procedures I am have to entail in the near future.

So in walks the ultra sound tech and the first thing he snaps at me (yes snaps as if I had done something to frustrate him or I was some how wasting his time) is "Why are you here?" Think to myself that this is a stupid question with an obvious answer I said "For an ultra sound."

"Of what" He again snaps at me as though my answer of "an ultra sound" was not what he wanted to hear. Again I am thinking that if I was rushed in for an emergency ultra sound and they were waiting for me to get there, then obviously there was paper work sent ahead of time and everything should be stated on why I'm here and what I need done.

Now becoming frustrated myself I replied, "Of my right arm."

"Why?"

Seriously? Shouldn't you know all this information? I have never had to walk into a procedure and explain what I am there.

" Because I have a picc line in and I am experiencing pain."

"Why?"

Why am I experiencing pain? Do you not think that if I knew why I was experiencing pain in my arm I wouldn't be here for an ultra sound? Why are you even asking me these questions, you are not a doctor, you have no idea what I have been going through or what my treatment is and as far as I am concerned you don't need to know. All you have to do is the ultra sound.

"I don't know why I am having pain."
(This comment seemed to really push him over the edge and whatever calm he had was now gone.)

"No, why do you have the picc line in?"

Again information that you do not need to know nor should you even be asking me. Pretty sure that all my medical information is considered private and confidential.

" Because I can't eat or drink anything and this is my only form of getting nutrition."

"You're pregnant you should be eating."

EXCUSE ME? Are you really going to stand there and tell me what I should and should not be doing in my pregnancy? Who on earth do you think you are? If you know me you know that I can only stay calm for so long and once you push me over the edge it's not pretty. So here was my response...

" I don't think that's any of your business so why don't you just sit down turn on your machine and do your job."

I know that there are so many people that are worried about me, praying for me and willing to do whatever they can to make this experience better in some way shape or form. It's when people who have no idea what they are talking about or have any sort of comprehension of what I have gone through, think they have the answer to what is wrong or say stupid comments like "You're pregnant you should be eating." Stop for one second and think, if I could eat don't you think I would be doing that rather than have a picc line in?

I guess some people really should not be in the health care profession if they are not able to deal with people in a respectful and compassionate manner. Even after I snap at the tech he said not two words more to me for the full 40 min exam and didn't care that he was pressing so hard on my arm that I was crying. I felt like he was punishing me for standing up to him.

Unfortunately he is not the first bad health care tech that I have had to deal with but I sure hope that he is the last.

Six Month Check In

Well I have made it to the six month mark in this pregnancy and only have three months left. Although making just one more week is a huge accomplishment in this pregnancy, each day that God keeps this baby alive and me out of the hospital is a miracle.

Anyways six months deserves an update so here we go.

I have been at my parents place for two months now and my mom has been taking care of all my medical needs including flushing my picc line, preparing my tpn food bags and even changing my picc line dressing. Her and my father have been watching over Toryn and all his daily needs as well as getting me to doctors and ultra sound appointments.

My picc line is still doing fine which it better be because if this one fails I don't really have another option. After the last two picc lines failed the doctors informed me that I only have one vein that can be used and after three times the vein is no longer usable. That being said, we are doing everything we can to keep this line healthy.

At one point I had placenta previa but thankfully that has gone away. I no longer need to have a c-section unless something medically happens between now and the delivery. The doctors told me that they are trying to avoid a c-section at all costs because the recovery on my body is going to be very hard and if I have a c-section it will be even harder.

Baby Bear is doing amazingly well. He/she is growing and is exactly where they need to be at this point of the pregnancy. Right now the weight is about two pounds and is as long as an English cucumber. I have had nine ultra sounds so far in this pregnancy and will continue to have one every month until the baby is born just to make sure things are still going as planned.

That's all the good, here is the concerns.

My heart has been doing some strange things where it races uncontrollably for no reason and I get short of breath. The doctors are concerned so they want to hook me up to a heart monitor for a while to see if they can track it's rate and figure out what's going on. To give you an example of what I mean, I will be sleeping and do the smallest thing like roll over and my heart goes crazy and I am woken up gasping for breath.

I have developed this horrible cough and cold. On top of throwing up everyday I now have this barking chest cough that makes my chest feel like it's going to explode. My stomach hurts because of being sick and now hurts even more from coughing and I have a horrible headache. In fact, you know when you have the flu and your whole body just aches, that's what I feel like.

Dizzy spells are becoming more and more frequent. In the last five days I have been light headed or passed out four times. There is no explained reason as to why this is happening and it comes as randomly as it wants to. I know that I have normally low blood pressure and this could explain part of it but every time they check my blood pressure it comes up normal so who knows.

So there you go, I am still doing fine and for the moment still out of the hospital, we just don't know for how long. As I have told my family as long as this baby is healthy I will worry about my body after. Right now there just seems to be a few health concerns that need to be addressed in the near future.

The Baby Name Game

When you are expecting a baby there are many things that you need to prepare in advance before the exciting delivery date. You have to get the crib, some clothes, diapers, Tylenol for the many headaches you will have in the next few months, and you also have the long talks and discussions over what name you will give your soon to be bundle of joy.

When you and your spouse start talking about names you both agree that the name should be something that you both like and when you think of that name your heart is instantly warmed by the thought of your child. You would never pick a name that reminds you of someone that you have had a horrible experience with, or a person you wish you had never known or entered your life. The name you pick should be special to you and unique to your child. There is a reason we pick the names that we do.

For example the name that we picked for our son.

Toryn- This is an Irish name that we picked to represent my husbands strong and proud Irish heritage. This name also means chief which we hope that our son has the drive, leadership and strength that comes with being a chief.

James- This middle name was picked because James is the English version of Shamus my husbands name. It is also Shamus's fathers middle name.

Lee- This middle name was picked because it is my fathers middle name.

Neeson- We figured that our son should have the same last name as his parents.

There was so much thought and emotion put into picking our sons name and when anyone we know says or hears the name Toryn, they automatically think of our adorable little red haired boy. Of course my husband and I went through hundreds of names before we could settle on the perfect boy name but the fact is that we picked that name because it was special and meant something to us.

Right now we don't know if we are having a boy or a girl but again we have two names that are picked out which are perfect for whatever gender baby we are blessed with. However, at this moment we have been calling this child Baby Bear. It is a nick name that we have given this child in love and when ever anyone says or writes that name everyone thinks of my special child that God is watching over.

I can't wait to meet this baby as I have said before and when we give this child their name I know that it will be unique and given in love.

NG Tubes

After being at home for a month now it's hard to imagine all that I have gone through just to be six months pregnant.

NG Tubes

If you don't know what this is, it's a soft plastic tube that runs through your nose down the back of your throat and into your stomach. During my 10 week hospital stay I have had two of these inserted and removed. To insert the tube they place it on ice to make the plastic stiff then tell you to lean forward and proceed to guide the tube into your nose. The first time they did this, the nurse tried three times to get this tube in but kept hitting the back of my nose and were unable to guide down my throat. There was no freezing involved and the experience was painful to the point where I got a very bad nose bleed.

Since the nurse was unable to insert this tube they sent me down to radiology to have a doctor put it in. This time the doctor layed me on my side and sprayed a freezing agent into my nose. Trying two times she again was unable to put the tube in and let me tell you the freezing agent didn't make the experience any less painful.

Anyways, back up to my room I went with out the tube and along the way we passed my ENT Doctor. I told him that they were trying and failing to put a NG tube in. He looked at me with a puzzled look and then followed me to my room so that he could try to insert one. Bent over my bed holding my husbands hand this Doctor shoved this tube in my nose and down my throat right to were it should be. Yes it was painful, I threw up a lot and it felt like I constantly had something stuck in the back of my throat.

This tube lasted only 24 hours in. During the night they tried feeding me through this tube using the smallest amount of liquid possible. I was getting 25ml an hour and this still made me sick. The next day I felt as though I had a steel rod running down my throat and my chest was going to explode. My mom sat there holding my hand as I cried from the pain and begged the nurse to please take the tube out. The nurse informed us that they were going to do an x-ray to make sure the tube was in the right place before they could talk about taking it out. Well after the x-ray they found that yes the tube was in the right place and they wanted me to keep it in for as long as possible.

Let me tell you, I have been so thankful for my mother during this whole experience for more reasons than I can even begin to describe. There have been a lot of times when Doctors, Nurses, medical staff didn't listen to me because they felt that they knew better than I did. When ever this happened my mom was always there to stick up for me and speak for me to make sure that I was heard. This was one of those times.

When the nurse came back and told us that the tube was in the right place and that they wanted to keep it in my mom firmly informed her that the tube was coming out. There was no explanation to why I was in so much pain and feeding me through this tube was not working so the tube was going to come out. Again, thank the Lord for my mom because that tube came out and I was back to some what normal.

A few days later I had a GI doctor come in and talk with my mom and I about trying the NG tube again. We had a long discussion and after coming to agreement I decided to try the tube again on my conditions. One, they would place a scope down my throat to make sure that I wasn't torn or too raw for the tube to be placed. Two, I would be given a medication to knock me out so that I wouldn't feel the scope or the NG tube going in. Finally Three, if I was still throwing up from the NG tube feelings or was still in pain they would remove the tube immediately and never put another one in. The Doctors agreed and so down I went to get this done.

I never felt this tube going in but apparently the drugs that I got made me a little loopy. That night the nurses hooked me up to the NG food bag and again giving me only 25ml an hour we waited to see what would happen. In less than an hour I was throwing up. The next day with out any arguments the tube came out and like the Doctors promised I never had to have another one put in.


That's only one of many procedures I have had done.